My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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