so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
