The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sorry my hands just texted you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize