Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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