dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
