There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
