his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
