Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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