I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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