Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When are your genitals available?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
