You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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