When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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