She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
