my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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