does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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