If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
