there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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