Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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