i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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