dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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