Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
