Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
