when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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