Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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