I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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