Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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