she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
