i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
