the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
