just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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