You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
