Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
