How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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