i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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