I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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