I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
