My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
