Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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