why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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