we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
