all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
