Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
