I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
