I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
