shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
