one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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