Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
