I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can I color on your dick again?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
