Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
