I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
