please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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