i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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