theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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