you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
