I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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