Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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