turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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