OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It was a blind-side dick pic.
not ubering you a puppy
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize