Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
