I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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