so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
