get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
