fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
