i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
