Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
