my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
