my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
