I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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