shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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