Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
