i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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