She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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