Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
