My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
