I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize