can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
